The Footballer's Bible
by Rose G
Summary: For all my fellow football fans, here is a Holy Book which might just change their lives - or their fantasy teams.
1. Default Chapter

The Footballer's Bible

Rose G

A Holy Book that was collaborated on by many football players, fans and even a manager in an attempt to instruct the new convert. First rule - Thou shalt learn the words to 'Three Lions on a Shirt.'

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The Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt support no team but your team for you own safety.

2. Thou shalt not make idols of your teams players - they often leave.

3.Thou shalt not misuse the name of God - do not make the obvious jokes about the FA.

4. Keep the Sabbath Holy - do no work on Saturdays from 3.00pm onwards.

5. Thou shalt honour ones parents - remember the club founders.

6. Thou shalt not murder - referees are excluded from this. 

7. Do not commit adultery - have only one club.

8. Do not steal - unless under the Bosman ruling. 

9. Do not lie - the age of goalkeepers can always be found out. 

10. Do not covert other teams players - just sign them up. 

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The Creation Myth

One time, a long long time ago, there was a battle on English soil. Depending on which town or city this tale is told in, the location of this battle varies. However, all sources agree that it was a fight between the English and the Germans, excepting for those around White Hart Lane, who insist that it was between them and the inhabitants of Highbury. 

Naturally, the English - or Highburians - won this mighty battle, and decided to celebrate in style. Having relieved the offending German leader of his head, they decided to place it on top of a specially built white tower in London. However, no one wanted to pick up this object, so it was decided to kick it into place. 

Not unsurprisingly, the others tried to prevent this, and their unfair tackles led to the first sending off during a football match, as one of them was impaled on a flag (which was to become the first corner flag ). This was the first match between the Three Lions of England, so called because - well, we don't really know, and the Germans, and was won one-nil when the offending head was kicked into Wembly. 

This was followed by a drinking party, during which some of the greatest football chants ever known were written - 'What a load of rubbish' and 'Glory, glory.' Having therefore created the greatest game known to man, and ensured their countries place amongst the greatest in the world, the first team decided to travel to Germany and arrange a second leg. 


	2. Worshipful Beings

Worshipful Beings

By Prophet DL

Now, as is well known, in football there are many worshipful beings that are not yet God and for many, especially the newer convert, the sheer diversity of these can be confusing. Let us then consider them in detail. They can be split into five groups.

God of course, is One and beyond reproach. The FA in all it's splendour can never, ever be approached by anything as humble as a mere mortal. 

After this are the angles - giant beings made from the blood and flesh of various country's versions of the FA. UEFA is a prime example and their glory is solidified in the glittering cups that bare their name.

Yet to many, these beings are too remote and uncaring - the desperate grovelling of a red carded player will never reach their ears. Many people will therefore progress to the exalted rank of true fan by worshipping another being.

After these, the most worshipful being is the 'the team' or 'the lads.' Comprised as it invariably is of 11 (the most magical number of all) players, 3 subs, and the guv'nor, fans should worship this being at least weekly, preferably twice and if possible, the reserve team as well. 

Inside the sweating, agonized body of the team is another being, who is the most frequently worshipped. This is the spirit celebrated as 'the star player' or 'that jammy bastard,' whenever his boots or head do something amazing. Whether a mercurial striker, brave defender or heroic midfielder, this man is at the heart of the team.

Outside the team and the last being, is the guv'nor. He has unlimited power over men - buy, sell, train, shoot…However, the guv'nor is often overshadowed by the team that carries his banner and to the average follower, his actions can seem undecipherable or at the least, bleeding stupid. The mark of a worshipful manager is the star player's inability to give an interview (presuming that they can talk) without mentioning his name.

There are of course other beings, but these five are the most likely to be encountered and they all have different rituals, the importance of which must never, ever be overlooked. If they are, then a Super League may be formed and all football fail.

1 - God - The FA does not acknowledge fan worship. The best way to satisfy God is to pretend that it doesn't exist.

2 - Angel - The best way of pleasing these is to allow the teams to compete for their cups. Being so occupied, they will not have to notice the existence of God.

3 - The Team - Worship can be carried out by the wearing of appropriate shirts, crowding around the goal and congregating in the clubhouse after the game. The desired state of 'oneness' can be reached only towards the end of a crucial game in knee deep mud, with several players carrying injuries and the team struggling to keep a fluky 2-1 lead. The main symptom of this is a curious numbness and the feeling of every step hurting your body. Phantom pain from the player's stitch is another symptom. Repeat - this state is very desirable. 

4 - The Star Player - First, his team must be thoroughly worshipped. This can be increased by - investing in replica shirts, copycat hairstyles and chanting of the hallowed name. Anything worn by this being during a game is sacred. 

5 - The Guv'nor - Many of the most worshipful managers are at odds with God and the way to please them is to upset the FA. If this is too risky, safer options may include not mentioning the star who got away, not interviewing them live after a defeat and not carrying the news that the chairman has ordered three players sold. 

Remember - all beings finding themselves devoid of worship may ask to be transferred. 

Loyalty to the team comes above everything.

Sell No-one. 


End file.
